I have been, or can be if you click on a link and make a purchase, compensated via a cash payment, gift, or something else of value for writing this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. Please read my Affiliate Disclosure for details.
Who Am I? Message of Hope in the Midst of Heartache
Have you ever asked yourself, “who am I?” I have wondered a million times. I remember when I stepped into church about 15 years ago, give or take a few years. I had already given my life to God many years before that. Years before that, I claimed myself as an atheist. I was at a point in my life when nothing mattered. I had experienced so much pain, and turmoil and I couldn’t understand why God even let me be born. I didn’t also want to live.
There were countless times I had thought about killing myself. And there were times that I even tried. The pain I had endured from rape, abusive and failed relationships, jail, abandonment from my family, homelessness, being broke, having bad credit, you name it, found its way into a huge dark box that I carried around with me like a bag of bricks on my shoulders.
If there was one thing I knew very well in life, it was feeling hopeless. Have you ever felt hopeless? For me, it was that numbing pain that consumed my entire body, and I’d have given anything to make it stop. I just didn’t know at the time that what I was experiencing were depression and anxiety.
Encouraging messages in Christian songs
It was Mother’s Day when I stepped into this little church in the middle of nowhere. I was broken and had been for many years. But, my best friend at the time assured me that I needed to go. With much resistance, I went. During worship service, this song called “Who Am I ?” began playing. And when it got to the chorus, I just broke down. It was as if my pain from the previous 30 years of life began pouring out of my eyes. I just couldn’t stop crying.
I was that flower that was quickly fading and needed hope. God’s Spirit filled my empty heart in a way I had never experienced before. As my painful tears poured out of my barren, dark, and empty soul, I felt a rush of hot blood begin to flow from my head to my toes. It was so overwhelming, and all I could do was cry out to God.
I had only known that rush in the past to be a rush of pain. But, that day, that rush was God’s love replacing all of the pain I had endured for most of my life. It was immediate. It was instantaneous. It was healing and I wanted more.
So, I kept going back.
I realized something. God isn’t to blame for our pain. Way back when, I blamed God for my pain and thought that if He really loved me, He wouldn’t allow bad things to happen to me.
Related posts: 81 Encouraging Christian Songs for Anxiety and Depression
But, why me?
I think a lot of people feel that way. Do you? Do you wonder “why me?”
It’s okay. I still do sometimes.
It is hard accepting our hurt sometimes is caused by the choices we make. I know because I spent a lifetime making choices that only resulted in pain. Whether it be choices in friendships, relationships, finances, how we raise our children, employment, or anything else for that matter, I have done it all.
But, the thing is, God doesn’t cause us pain. He isn’t even the reason we suffer. We suffer because there are things in the world that are just plain evil. Sometimes we are just at the wrong place at the wrong time, and sometimes we are where we are because we put ourselves there.
Put your trust in God, not man
“Still you hear me when I’m calling. Lord you catch me when I’m falling and you told me who I am. I am yours.”
I will be perfectly honest with you. I am writing this post today because I am suffering. I am in so much pain because for the past three years I gave my heart to someone who shredded it into a million pieces. I didn’t want to accept nor believe that I was involved with someone who was a narcissist.
Over these last few years, I allowed this man to completely strip me of my identity. And I am so ashamed. I knew I was supposed to protect my heart.
I distanced myself from God and walked away from my life with Him because I looked at a man as having all the answers. He was a pastor and I looked up to him, respected him, and trusted him. All the things I was giving to him, I should have been giving to God. How could I just walk away like that? The Bible says, “
I am human. I make mistakes. We all are. I put my faith in the wrong things. And when we do that, we always have consequences.
Who am I?
So, since I found out after three years that the man I loved with my whole heart and soul was married, and that just about everything he ever told me was a lie, I am having a hard time keeping it together. Not only were there lies, but he tore me down, put me down, and caused me to doubt who I am, and even caused me to question whether or not God had a purpose for me being born.
I was driving to work and I heard “Who Am I” in my head so I found it on YouTube, turned it on, and listened to the words.
And just as I did the first time I had ever heard it, I broke down and cried. My heart was breaking into a million pieces and the last 5 years of my life was flashing through my mind as if it all happened in seconds.
God shows us who we are
Over the past 5 years, during the peak of my career, I spent my life fighting for those who couldn’t fight for themselves. I remember all of my prayers, fighting, and torment I went through fighting for people suffering from opiate addiction.
I will never forget that day in my office with one of my clients, and God showed up, as He often did. I had prayed so many times for Him to please me who I was.
While seeing this guy, I doubted myself a million times. I questioned whether or not I was anyone at all, and even doubted God’s purpose for my life. I even doubted whether or not I was hearing God’s voice or if it was my own. I thought I was going crazy and at one point, felt I was losing touch with reality.
The purpose in the pain
But, the one thing this guy could never take away from me was the fact that God put me right where He wanted me, and He used me to intercede between people’s pain. For the duration of my career, I have always stood in between their light and darkness.
So, that one day in my office, as my client began crying, I sat and watched her in awe. When I looked at her tears, I saw the pain leaving her body and falling from the tears in her eyes.
It was at that moment I realized the purpose for all of my pain and that who I was, was someone who God saw fit to use to help other people and help heal them from their own pain.
It was always something that fulfilled me more than anything in life. I knew at that moment, every path I had taken in life, even the bad ones, had served a great purpose.
Those moments were real and no amount of feeling crazy could erase them from my memories or from my life. Every time I felt I was nothing, I remembered those moments in my office with my clients. I remember God’s presence and there is no doubt in my mind He was there speaking through me.
Who am I in the midst of the storm?
As my mind flashed back to those days that I miss terribly, and as I sang the words of “Who I Am,” crying my own pain out of my heart, feeling so insignificant, so worthless, so irrelevant, so shameful, so anxious, so dead, so stripped of myself, I thought about what God showed me.
He showed me I am His. That’s all I needed. Whenever there is no sense of belonging anywhere else, I know who I belong to. No one can own me because I belong to God, the King of all Kings.
It doesn’t matter who comes along and tries to destroy who I am, no one can. Because life isn’t defined by people. My life is defined by who lives inside of me and there is no mistaking that.
He lights the way for my “ever wandering heart.”
I am still a “flower quickly fading,” but He still catches me when I am falling and He still tells me I am His.
And when I sin, when I fall, he “calls out through the rain” and shows me who I am.
No one has the power to take that away from me. There is no person or thing that can ever take away all the things I know to be true about how God has moved in my life.
And I hang on to that because it is the one thing I have in my world that not a single soul could ever strip from me.
Ashley Cooper, from The Rich Girl Blog, and I have developed a friendship through all of this blogging stuff. She shared with me once that her father had been a pastor and taught her a lot about God when she was growing up.
One night when I was having a really hard time with all of this I am going through, she said,
My dad used to always say you can’t hear him until you quiet the background noise. Sometimes you need a little isolation. Gives God more time to talk to you. But you know I was thinking about this [guy] might have been blocking your blessings.”
Yes, Ashley. He was. Thank you.
So, it is time for me to rest now. Not just from working, but from life. I have to find God’s voice because it is just all very noisy inside my head.
What is hope
Because I know that someone else might be going through hard times. I started this blog with one purpose and one purpose only.
My sole purpose is to give people hope.
What is hope anyways?
Hope is the voice we hear in the middle of whatever storm we are facing that tells us we are somebody. It is that message we receive in the middle of our pain that says there is light at the end of the tunnel. This light switches on when we are in complete darkness and don’t even think we can make it another minute in the day. Hope is the breath that speaks life into our lifeless hearts.
I was having a conversation with a wonderful pastor I know about hope. I said to him. “I love hope. It is everything I love in life. It is everything I want to be. I love hope so much that it is my favorite word in the dictionary.”
His response to me was, “hope is about the future.”
I had to reflect on that deeply.
My message of hope for you
You are somebody special. You are so important. Whatever it is that you are going through in life, no matter how painful it is, just know that God is watching. He counts all of our tears and keeps them in a bottle. The Lord sees every single one and records them in His book.
Maybe that doesn’t seem like enough when you are in the midst of your pain. But, I can tell you that you are going to get through it, just like I am. I don’t want you to hurt like I am, and I want yours to go away. Thought I could survive just about anything, I definitely cannot do it alone nor without God’s help.
God’s promise is that the rain and the storms will always come to an end.
And people may not keep their promises, but God does. Someday, you will be able to look back at all of your tears and find purpose in all of your pain. When everyone and everything lets you down in life, including yourself, there is always hope.
God is hope. All you have to do is ask call on Him. If I cannot promise you anything else with 210% certainty that I can deliver, I can promise you that.
I needed to hear these words just as much as you do today. Thank you for allowing me to share my story. Trust me when I say you are never alone. He truly does live inside of us and the only requirement for us is that we believe.
More stories like this: