I have been, or can be if you click on a link and make a purchase, compensated via a cash payment, gift, or something else of value for writing this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. Please read my Affiliate Disclosure for details.
Who would have thought that self confidence begins with a new pair of panties?
I am not afraid to say that for about ten years, beginning at the end of my marriage, I stopped caring about my panties and bras. I know that I am not the only one who, at one point, belonged to the holy panty club.
And I do not mean my panties were blessed with the name of Jesus.
I don’t know about you but, for me, shopping for panties has always been easy. I mean, when I was a size 5, there was every fantastic color and style available. Going to the department store and seeing the large display of lace and silk felt kind of sexy.
I have not been a size five since I was 2. Okay. I am exaggerating. I have not been a size five since high school. I am 3/4 of the way to retirement now if that tells you how long ago that was.
First came pregnancy. Then came marriage. And then came ugly panties and a baby carriage.
It really did mostly happen in that order.
The dryer shrunk my clothes
My long term memory is still intact, fortunately, and I remember having a banging body. Well, life happens, and I got fat. I do not know where that began. I used to think it was the dryer’s fault. I would buy an outfit, wear it a few times, and then it just got smaller. The dryer shrunk my clothes. So, I had to buy new ones. I began thinking that maybe my cheap bargain sale clothes were the culprit and that perhaps I should invest in some better quality clothing.
Those expensive name brand clothes sure did fit a size smaller than I was used to. I thought that maybe they were my “right” size and that all of those other designers just had it wrong. I just could not seem to get that size thing right. I mean, I just could not seem to find that perfect size five anywhere.
I learned a lesson in all of that: they sure did make those size 5’s much different as I was aging. They came in a much better-suited size 18.
But then I started wearing the most comfortable pants ever. My beloved leggings were the answer to all of my clothes sizing problems. Leggings never seemed to shrink; in fact, they got bigger! I knew for sure that when I had to go a size down and that I had hit the jackpot.
What an absolute design engineering genius.
Well, one day I realized I had gained 150 pounds and that it was not the dryer that had shrunk my clothes, nor was it that the designer clothes were somehow mis-designed.
Birth of the holy panties
As I got bigger and my wardrobe got smaller, I just stopped feeling sexy. I had this idea in my head that big and sexy was an oxymoron.
No more pretty panties for me. Who cares, right? I mean, by now, I was divorced, and online dating just was not working for me. No one was going to see me, so why bother. Department stores did not carry all of those pretty panties in my size.
So, Wally World, it was. It became my go-to for new panties. They carried those big white ones that stretched out over my fat belly, and the holes were big enough for my thunder thighs. They were cotton and very durable. They could outlast a nuclear bomb. They literally could last forever.
Another genius design engineering invention.
As I got fatter and fatter, the panty holes got bigger and bigger. As I said, no one was going to see them anyways.
They made great period panties though. Those white ones were fabulous.
As the years went by, I just seemed to stop caring. Holy panties were just a thing, along with stretched out sports bras that eventually had elastic hanging out of the sides and holes in the racerbacks. By now my boobs were sagging anyways so it really did not matter.
Who cares. I was fat. No one was looking at me anyway.
I started dreaming of my banging body I used to have and remembered all of the times that I used to think I was fat.
“If only I could be the fat that I used to think I was.” That is what I used to tell myself when I would read magazines and see all of the beautiful SKINNY women.“No one wants me. I am so ugly and I am so fat and disgusting.”
“Skinny people do not have problems.” “Men love to look at skinny women in pretty panties and I am fat. I am ugly.”
Well, we fat girls like to look at all those confident women in those magazines, too. Then we can sit and dream about what life would be like if only we were skinny or beautiful.
Well, I just so happened to be a really fat woman sitting in my sorrow in holy underwear. “If I looked like that then I would be happy.”
Hiding holy panties
My holy panty life started long before those panties wore out. I mean, at one time they actually were brand new. They just got worn out from being used so much. No one was going to see them so who really cared if the elastic waistband was ripped off, they were all stretched out, and my gut was spilling out of the now beige-from-being-bleached-so-much shredded cotton?
Until my worst fear came to fruition.
I had to go to the emergency room.
The first thing I thought was, “they are going to see my underwear.” Forget about the excruciating back pain, vomiting, sweats, fever, or the fact I was going to have to crawl to the car. I could not let anyone see me in those holy panties! What would they think of me? I definitely was not confident that I could pull that visit to the ER off without being humiliated.
Adrenaline is one of those natural wonder drugs that turns me into a superhuman. Although I was certain I was half dead, I quickly started digging around my drawer for my best pair hoping I would find something decent. And that is what I get for not listening to my mother who used to always tell me to make sure I always wore good panties; you may find yourself in an emergency.
The world was about to come to an end. It was a catastrophe. Nothing but holy, worn-out underwear.
Panic set it. “What am I going to do when I get there? Oh my Lord. I am going to have to get undressed. What if they have to check my stomach or something? What if I have to get X-rays ? That dang gown isn’t even big enough and they are going to see my buttcrack hanging out of these holes. What am I going to do? They are going to all laugh at me. Oh my God, I am going to be so embarrassed!”
By the way, that is a true story. And it is a story that ends with a lot of tears. I felt pretty worthless. And it was all over a pair of panties.
Connecting the holes
The end of the story is this: I spent the next several years begging for people to not judge my book by its cover. On the outside I had it all together. I had my family. I had my college degrees. I had my career. But all of that came in what I thought was a very ugly package. And underneath that package was something even uglier.
A whole bunch of holes. There were not only holes in my panties, but there were holes in my self worth. I was lying to myself thinking I really had it together.
None of us wants to be judged by the way we look on the outside. All of us have imperfections that we see that makes us feel self conscious. But if we allow our circumstances in our lives drive our panty train, we are going to eventually run out of steam. Then we are going to spend all of our time wasting away into a pile of holy panties that are worn out, and will do everything to cover them up. We will spend all of our time focusing on the outside instead of where the problem really lies which is our chaotic loss of confidence and self esteem.
Let me explain.
Our holy panties are more than just some grungy, ugly, worn-out material we throw on everyday. They are a representation our self confidence. Just as I panicked and broke out into a sweat trying to cover up the fact that I wore the ugly things, we also cover up the things we do not want others to see inside of ourselves.
Most of us feel like we are good people. We know that. We believe that. But, some of us have been beaten down so hard by life that we just give up. We lose our self confidence because we have been mistreated.
Then, we spend all of our time fixing ourselves up because we just want to look beautiful. Before we know it, we are spending all of our time seeking out love from others instead of loving ourselves.
We have to still get up and go to work everyday and be brave and face life. Our feelings about ourselves come out in super extra emotion. If I had a penny for everytime someone said, “you are too sensitive” or “you are so emotional” I would be a retired millionaire with a beach house on the Gulf of Mexico.
I bet you cry and fight with the people telling you that you are too emotional or that you lack self confidence. How many of those tears pouring down your face are because you know that they are right and you are worried you will be found out ? Let’s face it, “being told “you are too sensitive” is like calling us the “c” word. And if you are a guy it is like being called the “b” word and a huge blow to the psyche.
Those holes may be hidden underneath your clothes, but trust me when I say, everyone around you can see them. And they are going to treat you how YOU treat you.
How many times has someone said to you “you are beautiful?” Did you believe them ? Did you say “thank you” and then tell yourself “I am fat and ugly?” Did you tell yourself “they are just saying that because they are my friends?” Did you tell yourself, “they are only saying that to make me feel better ?” Did you tell yourself “they don’t really mean that?” Did you argue and say, “no, I am not ?”
Self confidence shopping
Girl. It is time for you to go buy some new panties. I am dead serious. Go buy the lacy ones. And stop using the excuse that they are too itchy because when you were 67 sizes smaller you did not think they were itchy at all.
And if you are super sized like me, I am here to tell you they make them in your size, too. That excuse does not work, either. I know that because that one was my favorite.
There is nothing more liberating than buying a sexy pair of panties and not having to worry about what is going on underneath your cloths.
Confidence begins with a new pair of panties.
They do not teach that in college, by the way.
I had met this guy who was obsessed with lace. I did not dare tell him that my entire panty drawer was full of holy panties. Not just holy, but shredded. (We are adults here so we all know how the dating thing goes). I was panicking. There was NO WAY I was going to get caught. I did everything I could to cover that secret up.
But one day, I just got honest and said to him, “they just don’t make them in my size.” Much to my surprise, he said “yes they do.” By now, I had graduated to the silky kind of granny panties. But, they still had holes.
So, I decided to give it a try. I had no idea that they really did have them in my size until I started shopping around and found a store that makes all kinds of beautiful bras and panties from size 10 all the way to 32. So, I bought a pair. To my surprise they fit and were pretty comfy. That was a joyful moment to feel confident simply because of a pair of panties.
“Okay. So, they fit. I will save them for a special occasion.” I mean, lets keep it real. We all kind of have those special occasion panties at one point in life.
Why do we even do that ? Think about it for a minute.
That special occasion never seemed to come for me. No, I never got asked out on that date. But, I still had those panties and it seemed a shame for them to go to waste. It is not like they were cheap. So, one day I put those bad boys on and forgot I had even been wearing them. Those are the best ones. Wow. It was time to get some more.
“But, wait a second. Now there are all of these pretty panties and no pretty bras.”
You are just not going to believe this. They have this thing now called MATCHING BRAS AND PANTIES !!!!
Another stroke of genuis !
“But, wait a second. Now there are all of these pretty panties and pretty bras and ugly clothes.”
Time to go shopping. “This closet is gross.”
One pair of panties at a time
Something amazing happens when you start to throw out the old and bring in the new. It is very liberating. It FEELS new. Slowly it begins to not matter what anyone else thinks. Looking in the mirror becomes easier. And then something magical happens.
Self love and self confidence happens.
Clothing does not make us as people and neither do panties. However, how we dress from head to toe does make us feel confident about ourselves, even if we do not like our bodies. But the things we hide underneath do eventually surface and what we think we are trying to hide screams out the rest of the world as a lack of self confidence.
Self confidence comes from loving ourselves. It is a process and it does not happen overnight, just like losing weight does not happen overnight.
Some of us are victims of abuse and harbor a lot of shame. Some of us have addictions and feel a lot of shame for things we have done which becomes buried and turns into self hatred. Even things like parenting takes a toll on us because we find ourselves in different rolls. Things just never go as planned. Divorce, relationships, friendships, and work problems all can cause us to lose our self confidence.
As I said, building self confidence is a process and the process takes time.
One pair of panties at a time.
I suggest that if any of these things in life are causing any distress in your daily living, please seek out a therapist to help you work through it, particularly if you have a history of trauma.
Self confidence begins with loving you
Okay. This is the hard part. But, it is necessary.
It is time to be honest with yourself. Before reading on, grab a notebook and your favorite pen.
Have you ever asked yourself, “how come they don’t love me?” and then found yourself doing everything you can to try to convince them that you are lovable ?
That screams lack of self confidence.
Think of those holy panties as self loathing and lacy panties as self confidence. Just like we change our panties everyday, we have to practice being self confident and loving ourselves everyday. Over time you CAN start to feel more beautiful. Practice makes perfect. The more you begin to love yourself, the more self confident you will become.
There is a way out of this for you. Even if all you can manage for today is to look in the mirror and smile at yourself, that is a start.
This is where my story now ends and yours begins.
I want you to feel amazing and beautiful and shine from the inside out. You deserve it. You have spent entirely too much time giving yourself away and keeping none of it for yourself. You are deserving of love, of joy, and of waking up everyday having fun in your life. You deserve to be happy and experience love no matter what anyone tells you including yourself.
Love on you hard.
5 Ways to Begin Building Self Confidence
ACCEPTANCE. Change often begins with acceptance. Acceptance does not mean that you agree with it. It means that it just is what it is. For example, if your typical habit is to look in the mirror and say, “I hate these thunder thighs. They are so ugly!” find acceptance by saying, “yup. I have big thighs. These big thighs are mine. They are just what they are for today.”
Acceptance also means not placing judgment on the situation and knowing that for the moment you are in whether it be the minute, the hour, or the day, it is just what it is for that moment. What are 3 things that you can accept for today ?
GRATITUDE. I know, you probably have heard this a million times and are sick of hearing it. However, gratitude helps change your attitude. There is nothing more difficult than finding something to appreciate and be grateful for in the midst of an emotional meltdown. It is very simple to do when things are going well. Try it when you are feeling depressed, stressed, or anxious. Try it when you are lying in bed writhing in emotional pain, You will literally have to force it and yes it sucks and yes it is hard. But, try it.
Do this everyday at least once a day. Write it down in a journal. What do you notice about how your body feels? Did it change ? How does that compare to how your body feels when you are saying negative things about yourself ? This is necessary to do daily no matter how hard it is.
To help you get started, here are some AWESOME journals !! (This is an affiliate link. As an Amazon Associate, I do earn a commission from any purchase you make as a result of clicking here. Most of these journals are cheaper than panties. I have a drawer full of journals. And they don’t have holes. For full disclaimer, click HERE. )
FOCUS ON YOUR STRENGTHS. If I randomly asked 10 people to tell me 10 things they dislike about themselves it would take about T minus 2 seconds. That is so simple. If I asked the same 10 people to share 10 things they see as their strengths it may be a struggle coming up with all of them. I challenge you to do the same. You will probably get stuck. Take your time but finish the list.
Focus on those strengths everyday even if you choose only one for the day. For example, one of my strengths is writing. I want to write this blog but I am a beginner and do not really know what I am doing. The normal response would be when I get frustrated to say, “I just don’t think I can do this.”
Well that certainly isn’t helpful is it? But if I focus on the fact that I actually can write a thing or two and remind myself I got good grades on my papers in school, it pulls me out of that lack of confidence. I sit down, and I write, and things get written. I then feel a sense of accomplishment which in turn makes me more productive and more confident and so on and so forth.
So, make that list. Choose one a day. Or, be adventurous and brave and focus on 2 or 3.
STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS. This is another one of those acceptance things. Stop looking in those magazines and saying “I wish I could look like her.” They probably used photoshop to alter those pictures anyways. Go get a picture of yourself of a time when you loved you. Hang that picture up and say “I want to be just like her.” Write about a time when you loved the skin you were in. What did you love about yourself ? When did this stop ? What are some things you were doing then that you are no longer doing ?
LET GO OF THE CONTROL. I hate to tell you this, but we cannot control the way others think or feel about us. I know it totally sucks. This is why when we hinge the way we feel about ourselves on the way others think or feel about us we do not get anywhere.
It is like banging our heads against a brick wall a million times, getting a splitting headache, but keep on doing it anyways. The brick wall is not going to move. You know it is not going to move, and you want it to move, so you keep banging your head against it thinking if you keep on doing it that it is going to move.
Stop trying to control the wall.
When you find yourself in a situation, think about the things that you CAN change. What are some things that you would like to change about yourself ? What are things that you can control about those changes ? What are the things that are not in your control?
Cross off every one of the things you cannot control in your list.
Choose one thing from the list of things you CAN control. Apply steps 1-4.
When you have successfully changed that one thing, press the repeat button and do it again.
I have one more thing to add. This is a bonus.
Throw all of your holy panties away. Go buy some new ones. Confidence begins when we change what lies underneath us.
Be good to your body. Be good to your heart. Be good to your soul.
You are more than worth it.